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:: The Spoon that Would Not Go Away ::A very nice summary of the life of one, Fritze the Great. A fresh mix of comedy, romance, drama, sorrow, and irony is sure to bring laughs, tears, and middle fingers.
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| :: 6.13.2010 :: |
:: 12:01 AM :: |
:: Solitary Wedding Bells :: |
Recently finished up at a wedding of one of my better friends, only to find myself in a rather peculiar state of mind. In retrospect, most of my thoughts and activities were pointless delusions, but I'm not completely sure why they happen...or what happens. It might be too easy to write everything off as merely delusion.
Most of the wedding ceremony went fine without a hitch, but during a toast that I gave as the best man, one glare from a buddy of mine changed the entire tone. My mind tuned to a different frequency and began picking up noise about both Judas and general failure. This was probably compounded with a feeling of failure from a few days ago. Basically, one too many drinks created problems for a golf game the next day but luckily didn't affect the wedding...that much.
This might be the sort of thing that a person would typically explain to a friend, but I have yet to find a person whom I think actually understands just what it is that I mean when I use these words. Most people seem to come close, but naturally, you never really know how much is understood when you speak. This might be further explained by a moment in the club house with my friend. I'm pretty confident that the context was about South Africa and the UK, but the phrase "You're not special, and everyone wants to throw you out of here" has a certain weight to it. While my confused expression afterwards was mirrored by one of his own, I'm still unclear about the whole situation. However, this sounds mostly like a confidence issue.
Some of this is just me being to hard on myself and, in a sense, being a little too narcissistic. Most of the actions that I take are of little consequence in the big picture, but there are times when people seem to push. For example, I apparently wasn't quite fulfilling the duties of a groomsman at the wedding reception by being more of wall-flower than jumping in with the rest of the others. Typically, I am rather uncomfortable in new situations, and I don't do well with places where I don't know many people. (Looking at what I just put down makes me feel like such a child too. It's like I'm a shy little kid that never grew up and learned how to just be comfortable with people.)
I wonder how many people encounter this sort of thing. It's probably a branch of mild anxiety, but it seems like there is something else mixed in as well. For example, a group of the groom's family members were in the lobby of the hotel at which we're staying. The groom's sister started talking about a few elderly people that she visits. A woman apparently wanted to just read her newspaper and be left alone. Unfortunately, I got rather confused and began to interpret this as something regarding me. Generally, the delusion is strongly tied to audio interpretation anymore. However, it used to be extremely visual as well.
Certain words or situations trigger this response, and as a byproduct, I no longer believe what I am seeing is completely accurate. I start to rely extremely heavily on audio information. This is somewhat an uncomfortable experience because at the time, there is still a recognition that logically, the delusion does not make sense. Additionally, audio information is not always the most reliable due to multiple interpretations heavily dependent on a flexible, changing context. However, the emotion driving the interpretation is rather strong and trumps any logic.
This is quickly followed by a recognition of emotion controlling the situation, not being able to control the situation, and a general feel of being a control freak for desiring to control the situation. To make a long story short, I seem to have a capacity for free will and making my own decisions. While I am capable of making decisions and on occasion contextually appropriate decisions, whenever I am aware of this capability, I am frightened to death.
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| :: 6/14/2010 07:43:00 AM :: |
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:: Fritze :: |
| Glancing through this entry, it seems as though most of this could be tied to an ego problem. Most of these contextual switches seem to be when you mistake conversations about someone else to actually be about yourself. Why does this happen though? Are you egotistical? Probably not. You clearly knew that the conversation was not about you in the hotel lobby, but there were parallels and something resonated with you. Go figure. |
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Fritze ::
